Not Quite As Simple
by sapofbks2008
Summary: He doesn't know why he does it, she doesn't like that he does it, but it happens anyway.


I could have casual sex if I wanted to. I wasn't going to, but it didn't mean that I couldn't. I stared at Irie and wondered what would happen if I did just go out tonight and pick up some guy and let him take him back to his place. What would happen if I were to not come home tonight and he would be left wondering where I was. It was too much to hope that he would care where I was, but I could dream.

Usually I was better than this. Usually I didn't sit on the couch with his family and just sit next to him while thinking up ways to hurt him, but Irie had hurt me again tonight and I was feeling vindictive.

So I wasn't all that smart.

I knew that. I knew that I was never going to have the top grade that I always dreamed about having. If I was more focused and I didn't want a life. If I got a tutor if I didn't want a real life, then I could pull it off. I knew that somewhere down deep. But how would I get what I wanted in life if I did nothing but study every second of every day? And even if I could get the grades up _and_ get Irie to notice me…

Did I really want him to notice me when I wasn't really showing the real side of myself? If I had to be someone I wasn't to get his attention then I wouldn't be winning the guy I loved so dearly. Irie would be getting what he wanted, but I would nothing out of the deal. I wasn't the type to live to be perfect. Grades were important to me, but they couldn't be my life, and I couldn't make them that important just for him.

I was getting to deep. I was hurting tonight. I wanted to be vindictive. I didn't want to think of ways that I might or might not be able to get the guy if I was willing enough.

Maybe that was it. Maybe I just didn't care enough. Maybe I didn't love him as much as I thought I did. Because really if I loved him as much as I said I did then wouldn't I be willing to do anything? Wouldn't I give anything?

The answer was simple. No. I did love Irie as much as I thought I did. I just wasn't willing to be someone he wanted and turn it to someone that I wasn't. I wanted him to want me as I was. If it was true. If I didn't love him enough then it wouldn't hurt this much. Irie said such careless things. He could ignore me so easily. He could smirk at me and walk away like he didn't care and go on with his life. He never cared what it did to me.

I had thought that Irie would be jealous tonight. That hadn't been my aim surprisingly, but when the opportunity had shown itself I had held out hope. I had been in the library and one of the seniors where helping me with a paper I was writing for one of my classes. He was really nice and I really liked that I was patient while I tried to figure out what I was doing. He never commented. He never said that he had something better to do. He just helped me.

Tonight he had asked me out. And at the time I had been standing next to Irie. We had been going home together, because it was dark out and because his mother wouldn't let him leave me here alone. He would get yelled at if he did that. So when we left school late he waited around and he did his duty of walking me home so I would be safe.

It was a duty to him. I knew that and I hated it.

I had been standing next to Irie and we had been leaving campus when Jason walked up to us and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner tonight to celebrate that I had completed the paper that I had been working on.

Irie had stood there with an emotionless look on his face. "You should celebrate tonight. Granted you'll probably get a barely passing grade anyway, but you finished. That in itself is pretty amazing if you ask me."

He had hurt me and walked away as if it meant nothing to him. I had worked so hard and it didn't mean a damn thing because I wasn't going to get an A. If I didn't get an A then it just didn't matter to him. I didn't cry. I wouldn't give him that much while he was so close.

Jason looked like he wanted to kill Irie but I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him do it. I let him take me out. I pretended to have a good time. I had pretended not to notice how hopeful he got when he dropped me off at home.

If he liked me like that I didn't want him to get the hope that it would turn into something that it wouldn't. I wasn't like Irie. I couldn't do that to another human being. I wouldn't give him hope and crush his dreams so he was left but nothing but the pieces of himself that he had to pick up.

And another thing I couldn't do.

I couldn't go out with my friends and just have casual sex with some random guy because I had so misguided hope that it would matter if he ever found out.

I thought too much of myself. I would keep my self respect even if Irie tried constantly to tear it down.

The thought felt good though. I was sure I had that look on my face that I always did when I day dreamed. I dreamed about what would happen if I were to have random hate sex with some random guy and Irie were to find out.

It was good.________

Irie's POV

When Kotoko stayed late at school I made sure that I stayed behind and walked her home so nothing would happen to her. I cared enough for her that I worried that she would walk home and end up getting mugged, or that she would do something stupid like get into someone's car, or she would take candy from a stranger.

It was Kotoko. Anything could happen. She attracted trouble like no one else I knew and I cared enough about her to make sure that nothing happened to her. Not because of my mother, but because I needed to make sure that she was alright.

If she thought that I did it because of my mother I certainly wasn't going to correct her.

If I could just have kept my mouth shut I probably would have ended up taking Kotoko home tonight. But something have little prick had wanted her. I could tell the way he had drooled over her while he had been trying to get into her good graces while helping her with a paper. I had thought that she had better taste then that, but then again I probably grave her to much credit.

Kotoko was sitting across from me right now with that stupid look on her face and I couldn't help but wonder if it was about him.

I had been a jerk tonight I knew it. I knew Kotoko worked hard, and she wanted me to be proud of her, and most of the time I was proud of her. I knew I would be proud of her when she got her paper back and she get that look on her face because she got a good grade, which for her was a C, but to her it was something. I wasn't going to be proud just because she finished though.

I sat there though tonight and wondered though if I had pushed her to far tonight and she would finally get over me and move onto some other guy. Weather I had been proud of her tonight was beside the point. I had been cruel again, something that shouldn't have happened but did, because I was an ass and I had said something before I thought about it.

I hated this. I didn't understand it.

I felt like a five year old.

But I couldn't help it. I was smart enough to know I had been stupid tonight and stupid enough not to figure out why. And it was something that was completely beyond what my mind knew. Maybe it was because this dealt with emotions and I didn't know my emotions.

I didn't know.

People shouldn't expect me to know what I was doing when it came to this. But I was good at everything else I did. This should have been simple, and people probably thought it should be that simple. But if it was so simple that I wouldn't be sitting here worried about whether or not she still cared.

Fuck.

This was complicated and I hated complicated.

One day I would get it. I knew that. But not just yet.

I took for granted that she would always be there, and I knew that I wouldn't know what to do with myself when she wasn't. But I would worry about that it when the time was right.

And it would probably get me into and shit load of trouble.

But again. I would worry about that, when the time was right. This was how I handled this kind of thing. The way I didn't handle everything else.

I did it the stupid way.

**A/N: It was five in the morning when I wrote this. It's seven in the morning now. I'm sick and I can't sleep and this just sort of was written without me thinking about it. I can't be blamed if it's not one of my better stories But I had to write this before I got back to sleep and if I lost sleep over it then I might as well post it. I'm on cold medication and I'm tired. I'm going to bed now. I hope you enjoy.**


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